Anaheim Ducks: Do it for Teemu, because he has unfinished business…because we got upset by the Red Wings last year.

Boston Bruins: Let’s do a headcount: we’ve got a scary giant, a perfect human, a couple of annoying shits, a fourth line to be reckoned with, and a Lucic. We’ve got this.

Chicago Blackhawks: Patrick Kane is our third line center.

Colorado Avalanche: Why not us? Aside from how our regular season success has obviously been luck and over-reliance on our goalies and at some point it’s all going to collapse like a house of cards.

Columbus Blue Jackets: We’ll win one this year, boys. At least one.

Dallas Stars: Shit, we made the playoffs? Oh shit, this wasn’t supposed to happen until next year.

Detroit Red Wings: We’ll limp through these playoffs and then we can finally rest and go to the hospital for our many injuries.

Los Angeles Kings: If Retta roots for us, you should too.

Minnesota Wild: Surely one of our five hundred goalies will get us through this.

Montreal Canadiens: Let’s make every other team in Canada hate us even more.

New York Rangers: Long live the King.

Philadelphia Flyers: All of you counted us out, but none of you counted on Claude Giroux! *maniacal laughter*

Pittsburgh Penguins: Buckle up, baby, because it’s going to be one hell of an emotional roller coaster.

San Jose Sharks: Beat LA!!!!

St. Louis Blues: Do it for America.

Tampa Bay Lightning: Sorry guys, Ben Bishop is injured so we’re screwed.