We’ve got the Western Conference taken care of. Now it’s time to move east and see who we can fit into the Neopolitan—I mean, Metropolitan—division teams.

 New York Islanders

Need: LW for John Tavares
Player: Pernilla Winberg
Reasoning: Super talented UMD grad and one of the top scorers in the Sochi Olympics, Winberg has been described as “the spark plug of the Swedish offense”. Putting her on Tavares’ wing will only make the insanely good Tavares even more dangerous. Due to my NHL allegiances, that is the last thing I want, but looking at it objectively, this pairing could be a match made in heaven.

Pittsburgh Penguins

Need: According to Rob Rossi, a winger for Evgeni Malkin
Player: Marie-Philip Poulin
Reasoning: In my ideal world I’d have a Golden Goal Line of Poulin on Sid’s wing, but—with what Malkin and Bennett are able to do right now, can you imagine throwing a finisher like Poulin onto that line? She’s essentially won the gold medal game for the Canadian women the past two Olympics. While the Penguins’ top 6 is already dangerous, the addition of Poulin could enable them to legitimately roll three scoring lines.

New York Rangers

Need: Number 3 or 4 defenseman (who isn’t making 6 mil a year)
Player: Meaghan Mikkelson-Reid
Reasoning: Mikkelson is kind of a terror on the ice. She’s hell to play against, as the US women learned too well in Sochi, and she played the end of the tournament with a broken hand. The NHL really likes it when people are tough and play through injuries, right? In all seriousness, especially with Staal’s latest contract as well as Girardi’s taken into account, Mikkelson could provide a major boost to the Rangers’ defense at low cost. Where’s the harm?

Washington Capitals

Need: 2nd line F, someone to round out top 6 offense
Player: Michelle Karvinen
Reasoning: Karvinen is good. (I feel like I say this about all these women, but that’s because they are, heyoooo.) She was named top women’s forward by the directorate in Sochi, and with good reason—she was a dominant player. Adding her to the Caps’ top 6 boosts yet another Metro team’s offense that I don’t want to see boosted.

Philadelphia Flyers

Need: Dear god, anyone who can play defense competently (is what I’m hearing from twitter)
Player: Tessa Bonhomme
Reasoning: With the Lamoureuxs assigned elsewhere, one person came to mind as fitting with the Flyers’ style of play (or at least the one they would ideally play with their ideal lineup). Bonhomme plays with an edge, and she’s not afraid to get chirpy. And—Hot Take incoming—she’s better than at least half the Flyers’ current defense.

Columbus Blue Jackets

Need: Backup goaltender
Player: Florence Schelling
Reasoning: Apart from the obvious—Schelling is without a doubt a phenomenal goaltender, and one who would probably be good enough to be a starter once she got settled into the North American men’s game—she and Bobrovsky would be one of the greatest, cutest, smilingest, winningest goaltender tandems to ever exist. End of story.

New Jersey Devils

Need: Scoring. Also possibly just someone under the age of 30.
Player: Alex Carpenter
Reasoning: Jonesy wants me to let you all know she suggested Wick, since the Devils obviously like their aging players (and just because Wick and Jagr playing together, man, so great). However, I went with Carpenter to inject some youth into the Devils’ lineup. She’s speedy, she can score, and on top of all that, she’s a legacy (& actually was the only woman in a recent alumni-containing charity game). Go play for Dad’s team, Alex. Score them some goals.

Carolina Hurricanes

Need: Pure goal scorer, says twitter.
Player: Natalie Spooner
Reasoning: Honestly, there are a lot of women I could’ve chosen for this need who would’ve helped the Hurricanes (and a lot of other needs the Hurricanes have), but the idea of Natalie Spooner playing alongside Jordan Staal was too much for me to resist. Spooner is an incredibly talented player, and her style would complement Staal so well. With their combined drive to the net and physicality, they’d destroy everyone. It would be so beautiful. Excuse me, I need to go shed a tear at my own daydreams of this.