Lest you think I am exaggerating, the full product name for this heinous piece of “fashion” is Cuce Shoes Boston Bruins Ladies The Groupie Espadrille Wedge Sandals – Black. What a name.

Let’s get the first thing out of the way: I loathe this style of wedge heel. I never understood the whole rope/hemp/whatever look that is trotted out every spring and summer because somehow having that makes it more seasonal. I don’t get it. I never will.

What’s more is that these pieces of high, high fashion are $65, which is nuts because I could absolutely make these for probably $10-$15. Give me a wedge from H&M, some rhinestones, and a glue gun and I’ll sell it to you for $20. 

Now to the immortal description: “Ladies, take your Bruins wardrobe to new heights with The Groupie espadrille wedge sandals from Cuce Shoes. This team-inspired heel is adorned with an embroidered rhinestone-accented team logo on the toes and a league logo on the ankle, making it the perfect finishing touch to any Boston ensemble. The 4” wedge is also decorated with braided rope while the upper part of the shoe is covered in canvas. Synthetic lining and a rubber sole add comfort and functionality to this slip-on wedge, so you can show up to the game in comfort and style. With these Boston heels, you don’t have to give up your sense of fashion while you cheer on your Bruins!”

I am not one to judge other people’s attire to games, unless you’re wearing a severe jersey foul, but personally I have never worn any heels to the game, and what’s more is I’ve never seen anyone wearing them. Admittedly I’m up in the nosebleeds with the other cheapskates, but even walking around the arena before I haven’t seen any. I’d imagine the ladies wearing heels tend to be in the nice suites or down in the real expensive seats, and let’s be real, they’re definitely wearing nicer shoes than this.

I guess shoes are a perfectly valid item to try to sell people, and I know people who would wear Bruins shoes, but this — this, I feel, is a prime example of the NHL not fully understanding its female market. Glancing through the men’s store, their shoes seem to be Crocs and flip flops. Nowhere do I see the words “groupie” or “ensemble.” Instead, there’s an emphasis on comfort and, for some, subtlety. Everything about the description of these shoes is verging on the patronizing — “Hey, we know you can’t actually like hockey because you’re a girl, but look! Shoes!” — from the name to the design (why did someone at the NHL decide that women’s must equal rhinestones?) and it’s frustrating. Not to mention the price on these (and on the other shoes. These faux leather flats are $80!)

Also, I live in Boston. It’s butt cold here right now. It’s kind of chilly in TD Garden. Maybe I’m just a wuss from the beach but I would not wear anything that exposed that much of my bare foot during 90% of the hockey season. The flats and wedges (and sandals) make more sense for Florida or LA  to my mind, but that could just be me.

You know, I’d wear the rainboots they have for sale if I somehow found $100 in my couch. I don’t know what that says about me.