Last week, on the premiere episode of our new podcast Stick ‘Em Up, Hannah and I shared ten players and what movies they should star in. To hear us discuss, among others, Noah Hanifin, Zach Parise, and Jeff Carter, go to that link! Here are ten more players and the movie roles they were born to play:
Jeff Skinner in Go Figure 2
Is this too obvious? Look at that cherubic face. Look at those charming dimples. With his figure-skating background, he is tailor-made for a sequel to the Disney Original Classic Go Figure but with a twist: instead of being a figure skater who has to play hockey for a scholarship, he’s a hockey player who has to figure skate for…some reason. Maybe he takes it up to learn to skate better, as many have done in the past, and discovered he was a natural at it. Or maybe there’s a cute figure skater he’s got his eye on and so he keeps with it. Regardless, someone catches him practicing his lutzes in hockey gear and the climax is about getting from the hockey game to the figure skating championships in time. He doesn’t win gold, but he does medal, and all his team comes to cheer him on while he skates triumphantly around the ice in a fabulous outfit.
Henrik Lundqvist in a Bond film
When it comes to Lundqvist, there is only one film he belongs in: the next James Bond movie. But not as Bond, don’t be ridiculous. With that fashion sense and those good looks and that Swedish accent, he can only be a villain. Imagine it. He saunters out of a high-class hotel room, casually wiping blood off his hands before adjusting his cufflinks.
“Mr. Bond,” he says coolly, sizing up 007 with one glance of his steely blue eyes. “I believe you’ve been looking for me. Congratulations.”
Bond looks down the sights of his Walter PPK. “You weren’t particularly difficult to find.”
“I wasn’t particularly trying to hide,” he says. He spreads his arms wide. “You may be accustomed to being the most dangerous man in any room you enter, Mr. Bond, but you have entered my castle, and here, I am the King.” And Bond is swarmed by his army of mooks and knocked unconscious in preparation for the third act of the film.
David Backes in a Katherine Heigl Rom-com
This one is all Hannah’s idea, but I have to admit there’s a certain truth there. Backes has that rugged look of a man who should be coyly looking up at Katherine Heigl through his eyelashes as he makes puns based on his profession (we went with pet store owner, while Katherin Heigl is a florist) and the two of them cheerfully bicker. They kiss in the pouring rain after rescuing one of his dogs from an oncoming truck, landing atop her display of flowers, and his dogs serve as the ringbearer and flowerdogs at their wedding.
Jarome Iginla & Gabriel Landeskog in a Buddy Cop Film
Picture it: Iggy is the kindly but no-nonsense detective who’s about to retire, but still keeps it tight. Gabriel Landeskog is the charming but also brutal new detective who was trained by, like, Jesuits or something a la Frank Pembleton. Iggy is supposed to be training up Landy for his position when a killer from his past resurfaces, and the two of them have to go undercover/on the run/something to catch the criminal before he catches them…
Also, Landy has at least one amorous encounter with a morally dubious woman because that’s apparently how these films go.
Erik Karlsson in Pirates of the Caribbean 5
Yeah, I know that Jack Sparrow eventually became the focus of the films because of Johnny Depp’s tendency to chew the scenery like it’s Wringley’s Double Mint, but imagine this: it’s several years after the finale of At the World’s End, and Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann are living happily with their son when one day, a young man claiming to be Will’s brother shows up. And he looks like him, with the same flowing locks and the little goatee as his brother as well as the Swedish charm of the actor who played Bootstrap Bill Turner. Somehow this causes the entire Turner family to go on a piratical adventure with the newly discovered brother, perhaps encountering Jack Sparrow along the way. Erik Karlsson’s character probably dies though, for dramatic effect.
Steven Stamkos in a Mighty Ducks reboot
Yes, there is something sacrilegious about naming a Canadian to replace Gordon Bombay, but damn does Steven Stamkos know how to wear a sweater, and frankly that’s the main criteria for me. Rather than it being a project he’s forced to undertake because he’s a heartless criminal, I’m thinking he moves down to Florida for work and ends up coaching the local kids’ hockey team because his hot neighbor’s son plays for them and they’re awful. “Hey,” he says, “I was a decent player in my time,” and so he leads them to victory over a bunch of Yankees from Boston or something.
Jacob Trouba as Troy Bolton in High School Musical
This one is all Hannah, and it’s down to one thing: him singing from the Disney Channel Classic (another one!) in this clip. Can’t you picture him performing Get’cha Head in the Game or Bet on It? Bonus points if he’s still a Jet, just also heavily involved in his local amateur theatre program.
Alex Galchenyuk in Teen Wolf
Allegedly, they have rebooted the 1985 classic starring Michael J. Fox into some MTV show with, like, banshees and weird magic and shit, but I’m talking full remake. Look at Alex Galchenyuk and tell me he doesn’t look part werewolf already. Are we sure that isn’t a werewolf in a human suit? How would we know? He was born in Milwaukee; anything can happen in Milwaukee.
Johnny Gaudreau as a Mafia Don’s Son
Okay, maybe this is mostly because Johnny Gaudreau is a Jersey boy (everything’s legal in New Jersey) who went to a Catholic college, but also: look at him. With his skinny, unassuming attitude and dark hair, he could be a perfect Michael Corleone expy. All his life, Johnny knew his dad was a Mafia don, and he never questioned where the money for his hockey gear came from until he walked in on his father threatening his coach to get him top line minutes. After a successful college hockey career, he has to decide between loyalty to his family and his desire to be his own man. At some point, his Mafia connections are revealed and it threatens his NHL career, but he successfully goes on to skate for his country. The end of the film leaves you wondering if he truly has left his father’s business behind.
Follow us on twitter at @hiheelshisticks. Listen for the other ten players we cast in the first episode of Stick ‘Em Up.