2016 Hockey Resolutions

As 2015 comes to a close and 2016 draws ever nearer, we all are taking a look back at the last 365 days and contemplating how we can do better in the coming months. In an annual tradition, we must all choose something to strive for in the new year, and then promptly forget about it halfway through February. In lieu of that, I humbly suggest some New Year’s Resolutions for a few members of the hockey community.

Connor McDavid: Survive.

Jack Eichel: Finally beat McDavid in something by winning the Calder.

Alex Ovechkin: Win a goddamn car at the All-Star Game.

Nana Fujimoto: Needs to do nothing, she’s already perfect.

Don Sweeney: Have a better 2016 draft than he did this year. We’re all pulling for you, Don.

Auston Matthews: Get drafted literally anywhere except Edmonton.

Buffalo Sabres: Finally get that first overall they tanked so hard for last year.

USA U20 Team: Win gold.

USA Women’s Team: Win gold.

Brad Marchand: Wear his ID card around his neck at all times.

Jessica Koizumi: Set like fifteen more NWHL records/historical moments.

Tyler Seguin: Be featured in ESPN’s body issue for the third year in a row.

Sidney Crosby: Find some way to weasel his way out of the All-Star Game again.

Marie-Philip Poulin: Score a goal to win the Clarkson Cup in the last like 2 seconds of the game just like the freaking Olympics don’t talk to me I’m crying now.

Jaromir Jagr: Inexplicably continue playing through his 44th birthday and beyond.

Your Humble Bloggers: Continue bring you top-quality opinion, humor, stats, and hockey discussion.

Jamie Benn: Bunch more mox.

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