It’s that time of year when we all must accept that we’re going to have to buy gifts for people we don’t necessarily like. Even if you don’t celebrate a gift-giving holiday, you’ll probably get roped into some obligatory gift exchange or be peer-pressured into getting a little tchochke for your boss.
But never fear! We once again have a shopping guide for your persual. All are still currently available in NHL store as I am typing at this very moment, so order quick!
1. For the coworker the next cube over who listens to sports radio on full blast while you’re trying to concentrate on spreadsheets
We all have one. There’s always a coworker who doesn’t know the meaning of indoor voice, who doesn’t appreciate that other people can hear their computer when they play Jimmy Kimmel clips, who misses the not-so-subtle hints of your boss leaning over their cube to say, “You really enjoy that radio, eh, Tim?” For him I suggest these beauties.
2. For your younger brother who moved to Chicago and sends you obnoxious texts about the Hawks despite never having been to a game
Your little brother moved to Chicago two years ago for college and you were so proud of him. Then he, who never cared one bit about hockey even though your family is full of die-hard Rangers fans, starts sending you mocking texts. “Ha ha,” he says. “We have three cups and Lundqvist has none.” You reply, “We? Buddy, what are you talking about?” And yet he continues.
Well, if he’s suddenly SUCH A BIG FAN, he must need some decor, right? Right??
3. For the friend who always gets trashed when you go out together
They’re your friend. You love them dearly. But they just can’t hold their brown. When you get in the car you ask, “Are you gonna throw up?” and they say, “No, I’m cool,” and you’re like, “Are you sure?” and they say, “YES, I’m FINE,” and at the first stop sign they vomit all over your car and don’t pay for the detailing.
Alternately, you are that terrible friend and this utility mat is your first step towards atonement. You have so much farther to go, my pal. But you’ve reached the first stage of acceptance. Embrace who you are with open arms.
4. For the uncle who complains constantly about millennials
“These MILLENNIUMS,” he says loudly while everyone tries to eat their turkey in peace. “They just don’t get how hard it was for us old folks. They don’t APPRECIATE how hard we worked.”
“Mm hmm,” you and your millennial cousins say, trying not to think about your crushing student debt and the obscene rent on your closet-sized studio apartment.
“They’re so busy sending each other those EMOTIONS and not saving their money,” he says, shaking his fork. “That’s what they need to learn.”
Then on Christmas you lovingly present him this piggy bank and say, “I really took what you said to heart, Uncle Chris.” He’ll be so touched!
5. For the son that stubbornly refuses to hang up his coats no matter how many times you remind him
You live in Canada, for Stoppin’ Tom’s sake! There are a lot of coats, and scarves, and sweaters, and hats, and longjohns, and your youngest just won’t ever put up his things, resulting in snow melting all over your front hall. Not again, Kevin! Never again, Kevin! Maybe if I give you a coathook that looks like a hockey puck you’ll actually look at it for more than two seconds.
6. For the inspirational meme aunt
Let’s be honest. You know exactly who I’m talking about. She’s the aunt you don’t see that often and who always tags you in sickly-sweet pastel colored “inspirational” photographs. She’s the one who reposts photos that say things like “good fences make good marriages!” and captions them with “LOL so true!!!” She sends you chain emails. I’d say that giving her this is probably mean, but she wouldn’t even get it. She’d love it unironically.
7. For the classmate who always turns around five minutes into class and asks to borrow a pen
You feel like a pen pusher. You feel like a goddamn drug dealer. Every day, every dang day Polly turns around and looks at you and asks, “Can I borrow a pen?” and you want to shout, “NO, POLLY!! WHERE ARE THE FIFTEEN PENS I’VE ALREADY LOANED YOU?” but you don’t because you’re in class. You’ve tried everything. You’ve tried sitting away from her. You’ve tried telling her you don’t have any to spare. But then she just makes a ruckus and asks the TA for a pen, and the TA sighs and asks, “Does anyone have a pen for Polly?” and rather than drag on this godforsaken discussion section for a single moment longer than it has to be you give her the damn pen and it disappears into her bag, never to be seen again. HERE, POLLY. HAVE SOME PENS.
8. For the boyfriend who just won’t take the hint that you want him to dump you
It’s time. You know it’s time, but you want him to be the one to break it off–it’s better that way. So you’ve tried everything you can. You’ve tried sending him to the store for tampons three times in one night. You’ve tried talking about having kids. You’ve tried sun tea (don’t ask). There’s only one weapon left in your arsenal: weird sex stuff.
“Honey, I’ve bought something real sexy,” you say, wearing the underwear of his most hated team. “But you have to pretend to be Jaromir Jagr.”
And if that doesn’t work, girl, I don’t know what to tell you.
9. For the friend who is always late
They were fifteen minutes late to their own wedding. They were probably late to their own birth, and they will be late to their own funeral. You’ve taken to lying to them about when you want to meet up, telling them, “It’s at 6:00,” when really it’s at 8:00. And somehow even then they manage to show up at 9:45.
Though looking at the design of this watch I’m not actually sure it will help anyone tell the time.
10. For the aunt that complains she wants something from Tiffany
And maybe you’d be inclined to get her something if she hadn’t gotten you a pair of socks the previous year when you’d said you were looking to get a new phone. You never did get that new phone. It’s 2016 and you’re rocking a flip phone like it’s 2006. You go, you.
But in the meantime, you can convince your aunt that you’re giving her a bit of class with this Tiffany lamp. I’m not joking. The NHL sells Tiffany lamps. That is a real thing where someone said, “Yes, please put the logo of the Carolina Hurricanes on that.”
11. For the friend who tells you way too much information about his/her adventures on Tinder and/or Grindr
You’re very happy for your friend to get some and you’re happy to discuss some salacious details over drunk brunch, but please, please, do they really need to tell you every minute position change they made during their night of passion? Do you really need to know that he [CENSORED] or that his [CENSORED] was [CENSORED]? Okay, maybe you don’t need to know–maybe you just like to know–but nevertheless, you might give them this double-entendre-laden shirt as a gag gift.
12. For the former roommate who used to stand in front of the television while you were watching games
Once, she spent a solid seven minutes talking about how her Starbucks barista spelt her name wrong. “They spelled it CHRISTINA, with a C-H,” Cristina said in fury. Meanwhile, you were trying to look around her legs to see who had just scored. Someone did. You aren’t sure. She’s talking so loud you can’t even hear Pierre, and we all know that’s a difficult thing to do.
So you concoct a devious plot. One day, she opens her closet and finds this face staring back at her. You sneak it into her luggage. Into her purse. Into the pot when you know she’s going to be cooking. It’s like Elf on a Shelf! Only much, much worse.
13. For literally anyone
A pair of cold weather boots that are not appropriate for rain or snow. A pair of boots that look like you scalped a yeti and slapped them on top of a pair of Sketchers from the 90s. And for some reason there are laces? That loop all the way around? And are they platform boots??
I don’t have a good story for this one, I just want to be there when someone eagerly opens their gift only to find these monstrosities inside.
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