The first of probably a weekly or bi-weekly column about the atrocities the NHL store tries to foist upon its poor, poor customers. (Hopefully we’ll come up with a better title soon.) The women’s store in particular is guilty of some truly hideous items and this week I’d like to talk about the Logo Art necklaces. Because it happened to be linked on the front page of the store, I’m going to pick on the one for the Edmonton Oilers.

First impressions: it’s not actually that terrible. It’s actually kind of pretty, if you ignore the logo bit. I certainly wouldn’t wear it, but I’m sure I know people who would.

So let’s go to the description:

“Ladies, no outfit is complete without a touch of sparkle, so finish off your look with some glamorous Oilers spirit when you don this Spirit Crystal necklace. It features a silvertone team logo charm with team color crystal accents for a dash of elegance to even out all the hard-hitting action of your favorite sport! Pair it with the matching Spirit Crystal dangle earrings or bangle bracelet set for a completed dazzling game day set.”

I don’t know where to start. Spirit crystal? “A touch of sparkle”? There’s matching earrings? It comes with a vinyl storage bag? Sign me up!

What I really find irritating about this jewelry is not that it exists but how it’s pitched. First of all, what the hell is a Spirit Crystal? Does wearing it give you more team spirit? Spirit Crystal sounds like the kind of thing new age spiritualists use to tell people they can use to contact the dead. Why can’t you just say crystal? Or say the kind of crystal it is maybe? Pretty sure Claire’s Accessories is more specific about their “jewelry” than that.

Second of all, no outfit is complete without a touch of sparkle? I can only assume that was the logic behind Nike’s Team USA jerseys. Come on, ladies, we all know that you can’t wear NHL gear unless it’s sparkly — or at least, that seems to be the pervading logic behind the majority of the women’s gear in the NHL store. Perhaps I’d be less annoyed by these necklaces in general if it weren’t for that little nugget.

Oh wait, they also said these necklaces provide “a dash of elegance to even out all the hard-hitting action of your favorite sport.” They may as well make necklaces filled with smelling salts for us poor fainting ladies. My oh my, what violence! Luckily I have my beautiful team necklace on, that makes that two-handed stick whack to my first line center’s face so much less traumatic.

Okay, but here’s my real pet peeve. They said team colors, right? Unless I’m mistaken, the Oilers’ colors are orange and blue, not blue and white. They had no problem using Ottawa’s two colors (and hey, check it out, that one’s on sale! Maybe you should buy it, I hear they need money) but I guess orange and blue don’t make good jewelry colors. Not properly feminine enough. Even weirder to me is the fact that the Minnesota Wild necklace isn’t green. There’s a crap ton of green in that logo. Did they only have crystals in four colors? Do the spirits not grow green crystals? A mystery for the ages.

Oh lord, I just found the Flyers earrings.